Going out tonight, party on a Monday night you may ask… hopefully i’m not still fucked in the morning, so this blog, description of my boring life, will be short and sweet, just like usual.
I just want to remind you that these accounts are not detailed for the simple reason that I can not accurately recall all of my thoughts in detail…
Now explaining the start of my school career:
Yes, admittedly I had made friends over the summer and ‘popular’ friends (Acquaintances I would call them ) from what I heard, however, despite this, I remembered not giving a single fuck. I still had it embedded into my mind that I did not care about friendships and in hindsight (once again) maybe I was in Denial, I thought “if you don’t put any effort in, it doesn’t matter if you don’t achieve” (or however the quote goes) and thats kind of how I remember feeling.
But my nerves were fighting my Blaze attitude which soon won over as I got out of my car, my eyes focused on the ground, as despite having met many peers in the summer I was definitely not friendly enough with them to drive them in, or casually go up and greet them (being the cold hearted, awkward bitch I am). I’m not sure if it was my attitude or blunt ways that didn’t allow us to connect through our several meetings in the summer, but my American persona seemed to be ever so similar to my British one.
Anyway I walked into school eager to find my ‘homeroom’ and after spending a school day every other week at my new high school, I could navigate myself around pretty well, meaning I din’t have a cliched excuse to make a friend. I remember arriving at my homeroom on my own, as my brother had gone with his new friends to school and therefore leaving me to drive myself in and find my home room by myself.
I felt gazes boring into my head and body (more likely) wherever I walked and too this day I still do. (I’m not sure if it’s my British accent or constantly trying to keep a distance, leaving me to be a ‘mysterious quantity). To be honest this does and didn’t affect me, I remember that despite people coming up to me in homeroom my eagerness to stay quiet and be my normal British self – blunt af. But as I walk into my classroom and sat at a desk at the back questions were immediately fired at me in as soon as I walked into that classroom: How come you have moved here as a senior?, How are you catching up?, Do you have a boyfriend?, Who do you fancy?; the usual basic questions that I guess I had to welcome because my move was random, unnecessary and an inconvenience to me and probably to the rest of the high school.
I’m not really sure about other high schools and it’s similarities to mine, but I soon realised the harder I tried to be distant, the closer people wanted to get to me and writing this now I realised this to be a prime example. my distant, my blunt and cold attitude resulted in my increase in ‘popularity’ (ironic huh) (btw this is my perspective, of course people could be shitting on me while I believe i’m gaining friends.) But i’m pretty people were curious, and I was officially confused about how this came about and about how this particular high schools social ‘hierarchy’ was formed.
I remember my first few days, I began to eat lunch not in the cafeteria, but in the tech society (cliche I know), it is and was made up of 5 charming boys who I have now learned to love. I remember walking into that room and them being shocked, by the fact that a girl or a ‘hot’ girl as they put it (cringe I know) liked computers. I didn’t and still don’t like computers but i remember being desperate for somewhere to eat that can’ the cafeteria. My dedication to not eat in the cafeteria stemmed from my experience from my summer and how close the teenage high school movies related to the real thing. My fear surrounded both my lack of friends and my not wanting to make them. I ultimately wanted to keep a distance, I didn’t want to form bonds that would only break in a matter of months. Sad I know. (read my story and you’ll know how it progresses.
Anyway my lunch was filled with spending time with your typical ‘nerds’ as they like to call themselves, despite me thinking of them as the nicest humans to live. I grew closer to them described my life before I moved and it’s contrast to America. My lessons were filled learning of course but also your typical rowdy girls and boys coming up to me asking me questions and inviting me to yet another party. (I explicitly remember at this point questioning my invite and the reasoning behind it, I mean how can someone so purposely distant be invited to a high school party intense for the popular people). I Mean sure (not gassing myself up) I’ve been told i was fit/hot depending where you live, which was the explanation my computer group/ crew (names not being given) and given me for my invite. But there was no denying that I didn’t want to be invited.
But what kept me going. I now I’m a psychopath and it has been made clearer to me as I have written it down.
I mean anyway, thats how my high school career started, the first few weeks were a complete blur and I had the strangest start to schooL EVER, I didn’t know where I belonged or who I belonged with. But my life continued meaning that my life blog will also.
Also wish me luck at this party tonight.
ANY tips about writing or what anyone wants me to include let me know.